soft pains

i have an addiction aside from the typical one that gets you high
mine makes me bleed
it leaves inks and holes that i will never unsee
it is the light to my fire that sends my pains ablaze
it is the silent killer that turns my bad thoughts into good days
i long to be under a needle as it drags across my flesh
because it gives me a high where i can’t digress
i learned early that i wasn’t a cutter because my skin is too thick
it takes too long to cut and make me bleed
it leaves scratches on my thighs that don’t fill me
my habit makes me itch and swell and twitch
but i can only imagine what i’d do without it

and when i can’t get to it quick i can always go back
and fiddle with an old hole til my soft pains come back
i crave sex the same way
aggressive yet sweet
because my soft pains are my happy places oxymoronically

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