It’s Been a While

I made this page over a year ago. I had every intention to keep up with it, but it always seems like my actions and intentions don’t add up. I intend to do the right thing, say the right thing, act the right way, and it seems like all the time I am faced with this issue of how to make sure the receiving end of my intentions gets the right message. I am right in the middle of a phone-less retreat. Mostly it’s just me, sitting in my house for 3 days with nothing except Netflix and writing.

I’m working on things, mental things. I’ve been dealing with things that have just been really stressing me out; stressed to the point that I’ve legitimately made myself sick of it. I’m currently not working because of corona, I’ve been out for a little less than a month. I’m trying to take this time to just channel my focus. I started painting, but the only writing I’ve been able to do has been the daily letters I send my girlfriend. Those have been pretty pathetic though; just been a lot of daily recaps and “I miss you.” There’s been a lot of space between me and everyone lately due to this corona and my current mental health state. I haven’t much wanted to be bothered or be a bother.

This is my re-commitment though. Even is this just becomes more of a journal than a blog at first. I do want to eventually get back to my plan. I still haven’t published that first book, I haven’t even gotten very far on the second one. I started a third that’s specifically dedicated to my girlfriend. It’s a compilation of everything I write to or about her; minus the letters that we’ve been sending lately. Truthfully, I’m behind on that one too; I started it and put it down like I do to everything.

That’s what I’ve really been working on lately; finishing the things I start. I have unfinished letters, unfinished poems, unfinished books, unfinished shows, unfinished business everywhere I turn. Everything I touch starts and doesn’t end. I’ve just been so tired. I always end up so tired. I get inspired and I get started and then I get uninterested and I get tired and I don’t want to do anything for a really long time. It’s like that for me; I want to for a while and then, for an even longer time than I originally wanted to, I just don’t want to anymore. I don’t want to anything, and so everything I do becomes things that I do out of choice. I start to do things, not because I really want to or because I have to, just because I know that if I was in a better mood, I would normally do it.

I try to stay in good spirits. I try to stay sane, but sometimes I just need a break. This is me taking a break. I just disappear, I pick up all my things, I turn off my phone, and I just disappear. Most people don’t even notice, they don’t even miss me, so it’s a pretty easy thing to just disappear. So that’s what I’m doing, I’m currently invisible, and I don’t think anyone has noticed.

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